Autopilot, Snowballs, and The Pastries You Didn’t Even Want

There’s a very specific moment I’ve come to recognize in my life. It usually happens sometime after an unexpected “situation”, a meeting that was hard to navigate or a family situation that brings up old memories – and usually a snack I didn’t even decide to eat. It just… appeared in my hand. Like I blacked out and woke up in a negotiation with chocolate. And I catch myself thinking, “Was this a choice… or did I just settle into autopilot again and WHY did I do that? Not with judgment, but with curiosity and a LOT of self-compassion. It’s the curiosity that gets to the root of the issue – no amount of success in getting fit, staying fit and getting stronger can overcome getting to the root. No drug can ever mask this either.

Because that’s what it feels like lately. Not like life is falling apart — just that it’s quietly running the show without me. Work, world events, family things… it all swirls together, and instead of choosing how I want to show up, I start reacting. One skipped workout. One “I’ll do it tomorrow.” One handful of processed food I definitely didn’t want. And suddenly I’m standing there feeling like I’ve been pelted by a thousand tiny snowballs and wondering why I feel off.

But here’s the shift I’ve been practicing - catching it. Not fixing everything. Not declaring a full life reset. Just noticing. “Oh… I’m drifting outside of myself” That one moment of awareness is powerful. Because it gives me my choice back. And usually, the next right step is small. Drink some water. Go for a walk. Meditate.  Deep Breathe. Send the email. Nothing dramatic — just a quiet return to myself.

That’s what “going inward” really is, I think. It’s not some big spiritual experience. It’s just asking, “What do I actually need right now?” And then listening — even if the answer is inconvenient. Because every time you follow through on one small thing, the snowballs start to melt. You feel a little clearer, a little stronger, a little more like yourself again. You feel a little firmer on the ground.  And that’s how you stop living on autopilot — not all at once, but one honest moment at a time.

- Kim