Shine On - Don’t Let Anyone Steal Your Light

I had a surprise last week, and not the fun kind where someone shows up with snacks. Something from my past. For for a day or two I felt myself sliding back into an old version of me. The one who wanted to hide, stay small, keep everyone happy, and please don’t be seen. That Kim believed she wasn’t worth much and let other people's actions and opinions tell her whether she deserved love. I haven’t visited her in a long time. I’d forgotten how quickly she can show up when the previous life shows up.

For a minute, I thought I had lost all the ground I’d gained. Then I looked around at my actual life. I’m not living back there anymore. I’ve spent years making choices that brought me here: getting sober, looking after my health, finding my voice, learning to trust myself, and building a life full of love. I’m still working on it and always will be. There’s not a magical age when you get a certificate that says “Congratulations, you’re done growing!” But having an old feeling doesn’t make me my old self. It means I’m human, and I can decide what I do next.

So what did I do next? I picked up my granddaughter. I couldn’t fix the surprise that day, but I could spend the day being a kid with her. We read books, played with toys, hung out with the dog, and treated every moment like it was the most important one in the world. To her, it was. To me it was even better. She didn’t need me to explain the past or prove my worth. She wanted me to look at the book, meet the toy, and pay attention to the dog, who was very happy (sort of) to have another admirer. Her light was shining so brightly that I remembered mine was still there, too.

I want to be the best Kim I can be, and the best human, mother, daughter, friend and grammy I can be. That doesn’t mean I have to be cheerful every second or pretend something hurtful didn’t hurt. It means I won’t let a difficult moment decide how much of myself I’m allowed to bring into the world. I can deal with what needs dealing with, ask for support, take a breath, and still laugh with the people I love. I can protect my peace without disappearing. And I am never dimming my light to make someone else comfortable again.

Maybe something has knocked you back into an old feeling lately, too. Please don’t mistake that feeling for the whole truth about who you are now. Look at the life you’ve made and the people who know the real you. Then do one small thing that brings you back to it: call someone who makes you laugh, get outside, read with a child, or let the dog convince you that a walk is the best idea anyone has ever had. I believe we’re all part of something bigger, even when I can’t see the whole plan. Today, I’m choosing to show up for the life right in front of me. I hope you will, too.

- Kim