We Are ALL Worthy of Decorations

I have a milestone birthday coming up, and somewhere between “Let’s have a little party” and nearly fifty people attending, I am having some feelings. There are decorations, surprise guests, travel arrangements, food and beverage decisions and people just wanting to help. Instead of floating around feeling loved, I have been experiencing every emotion imaginable—gratitude, excitement, anxiety and the sudden desire to cancel everything and celebrate quietly under a blanket.

Life has been especially “life-y” lately. There have been surgeries, family health scares and several reminders that we are not actually in control, despite our best efforts.  That is exactly why my family encouraged me to have this party. Not because everything is perfect, but because it isn’t. We don’t celebrate only when life is great, everyone is behaving and nothing scary is happening. If we waited for that, we would all be standing around at age 104 with our balloons on the floor.

And here we are again: two things can be true. I can feel overwhelmed by the attention and deeply grateful for the love. I can have opinions about how things should be and still release my need to manage every wooden utensil. I can feel slightly uncomfortable having time, effort and money spent on me—and also know that I am worthy of every bit of it. Receiving love is sometimes harder than giving it because receiving requires us to stop performing, stop apologizing and stop saying, “Oh, you shouldn’t have.” Maybe they should have. Maybe we are all worth the good decorations.

When I change the angle, I can see that this party isn’t just about my birthday. It is about life—all of our beautiful, complicated lives—and the miracle of being here together. It is family, friends and chosen family gathering in one place to laugh and tell stories and celebrate making it through another stage. This isn’t a performance, and nobody is grading the table centres. It is community. It is belonging. It is love showing up in many different outfits. So I am choosing to step out of fear, judgment and my imaginary role as Director of Everything, and step into the party. We are here. We are together. We are worthy of love, celebration and having a little money spent on us. Life is fragile, fun and far too short not to celebrate.

- Kim